People who have the ability to defend their own rights in a calm, positive way, without being aggressive, at the right time, are assertive people. These types of people can say no without regrets, without upsetting others, or without disappointing themselves.
I invite you to look at the importance of knowing how to say no, how to do it assertively, and how this skill has a direct relationship with your ability to be productive.
I think that it has happened to most of us at some point, where we have said yes when in fact we wanted to say no. I remember several occasions where I raised my hand to volunteer and take responsibility for a project. Not knowing much about what this responsibility entailed; so, I ended up regretful, but forced to work overtime and under great pressure.
There are several reasons why it can be difficult for someone to say no. It can be the way in which their parents influenced their development, the norms imposed by the society, or by the culture of a place, a group, or the organization to which they belong to.
Possibly one of the most discussed reasons is the desire to avoid conflict in relationships. According to Dr. Aziz Gazipura, the author of several books in anxiety, fear, and confidence; the main reason people avoid saying no is:
- Preventing a negative reaction from another person, who can become angry, disappointed, or be in shock.
- Anticipating an unfavorable outcome, such as not wanting to see or speak to them anymore and therefore the deterioration of a relationship.
- Finally, avoiding the feeling of guilt which leads them to think that they are a bad person who has contributed to destroying a relationship.
On the other hand, the challenge is not just saying no, but also doing it assertively. I think saying no is a decision that is made based on an understanding of what to say yes to. In other words, when you say no it is because you are choosing what you having said yes to.
When we say no to a proposal, offer, unexpected situation, or even to a person or a relationship that is not related to the purpose, vision, and mission in our lives, it is because:
- We are clear about the resources that we must manage,
- We know the type of people we want to relate to,
- We know the next step to continue living our goals or get closer to them, and
- We understand the level of efficiency, commitment, and focus that our goals require.
Therefore, saying no to something or someone that separates us from our purpose, vision, and mission is the expected response.
The consequences of not knowing how to say no, and even more so assertively, are diverse. For example bad relationships, anxiety, depression, stress, lack of personal identity and self-confidence, losses, reduced productivity, and many others.
If saying no assertively is a challenge, I am going to share with you what has worked for me:
- Be clear about my purpose, vision, and mission, so I will only say yes to what guides me towards them.
- Focus on my priorities. In this way, I only add to my agenda the activities that are related to them.
- I have a plan to be assertive in saying no. It is simple:
- First, I listen or read carefully what is offered to me.
- Then I answer a few questions that help me clarify:
- Is it something I should do?
- Is it something I want to do?
- Is it part of my plan?
- How does my life project benefit?
- If it is not totally clear yet, I spend some time in prayer.
- Finally, with a better perspective, I respond calmly, positively, and honestly; respecting others, but above all respecting my rights, values, and priorities.
Over time I have realized that being clear about my priorities and relating to the right people, who appreciate and support my goals, has allowed me to express my values, thoughts, and emotions and say no without regrets.
Question: What can you do to say no assertively?